[[This is a post I have had in mind for quite some time, but I haven't ever been quite sure how to write it. So before I get too into it I must add a little disclaimer: this is just my opinion, based off of my own life experience, and my own inspiration.]]
Since the infamous "mission age change" the number of missionaries serving full time missions has increased quite a bit, but even more drastic is the number of sister missionaries serving. While it was once at least semi-unique for a girl to serve a mission it has become
Last April I seriously considered whether or not I should go on a mission, and after a lot of prayer and pondering I knew without a doubt I was not supposed to go. Honestly, the answer came with mixed emotions, but peace was definitely among them.
I am so thankful not only for that confirmation but for the timing of it, because once I started college the pressure escalated. Just about every conversation revolved around this idea of "going on a mission" & the reactions I (and other girls) received when telling people I was not planning on going on a mission were sometimes so incredibly thoughtless. One of my friends told me a woman remarked, "well you're planning on going eventually, right? Because boys want girls now who have been on a mission." Personally I don't think any of us are entitled to have higher standards for one another than God has, and if you're future wife has served a mission that is wonderful! But it doesn't make her worth any less if she didn't serve one.
A few weeks ago I went on a date with an old friend who is now home from his mission and while catching up the question of a mission was brought up. I'm not going to lie, I immediately prepared my defensive side assuming as a return missionary he would somehow try to promote this decision. However, when I told him I wasn't going he gave me a fist bump!! I was so shocked. He said that if a mission isn't for me than that's all there is to it and there isn't a thing wrong with that! I can't tell you how much a relief that was to not repeat my long well-rehearsed explanation once more.
I want everyone to understand that I truly believe missions are incredible and that if you are supposed to go on a mission, then you do it! Don't let anything stop you. I love and admire everyone of my friends currently on, home from, or soon to leave on a mission. The amount of letters I've written in the last few years is unreal because I am sincerely trying to support the missionaries serving. But I just think girls need to hear that they are not required to go on a mission & not only that, but they don't have to get married or have some huge reason to not go.
& here is where things get a little complicated, I don't know why I'm not supposed to serve a mission. Maybe I am supposed to get married soon, maybe there is an opportunity coming my way, or maybe it's because of opportunities that already have come. I don't know! But if God told me that I'm not supposed to, then I'm not supposed to.
This is a very difficult topic for me because even still I have a lot of bitter and confused feelings about the whole thing. I want so badly to go through the temple and to serve God, but I'm oh so so slowly making peace with all of it. What bothers me the most is that God isn't nagging me to go, my family isn't nagging me, not even my closest friends are, it is just the people who don't really know me, the anonymous pressure built off of people not realizing the implications of their comments and actions.
I don't think anyone purposefully is trying to make girls who don't go on missions feel the amounts of pressure, guilt, and frustration so many are feeling, I just think people don't stop to consider before making remarks. It's hard because it's something that without some kind of close connection isn't easy to comprehend, but I just wanted to write this post because we all need to be a little bit more careful about what we say to others. I know I'm only 19, and I have so much growing and learning to do. We all do. I realize I don't have answers, & I am mainly going off just my personal experience and that of my friends, but I had to say something.
For all of those girls and boys heading out on missions, or trying to make the decision, missions are wonderful. The gospel is true. God listens to us, he understands us, and we are made perfect by coming unto Him. As my friend Maren pointed out to me last night, we don't have to become perfect and then come unto Christ we become perfect by doing so.
Have a wonderful weekend everyone, and here is a quote one of my Facebook friends shared from a book titled Return by Elder Robert D. Hales:
"Many young women struggle with the very personal decision of whether to serve a mission. Each young woman's situation is unique, which is why no one can prescribe a simple answer that fits all of the young women who would like to serve. Unlike young men, young women do not have a priesthood responsibility to serve full-time missions. No young woman should ever feel pressured into full-time missionary service or guilty because she has not served. For young women, missions are an option to consider, not an obligation to fulfill. Moreover, a full-time mission is not a prerequisite for sisters to live faithful, dedicated, consecrated lives. Nor should any young woman ever feel that she needs to serve a mission to somehow make up for past mistakes in life... and a young woman who is seriously dating a worthy young man should pray long and hard and receive clear inspiration before deciding to serve a mission.
Having said that.. Those sisters who served in my mission brought a great maturity and love to the work that was a blessing to all they taught.
'And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!' (D&C 18:15)"
[[special thanks to Maren & Aubrey for spontaneously dropping by my house last night and having this chat with me so I finally was able to finish this post I've been working on for weeks]]
Bailey. You should rock. Thanks for echoing the thoughts and feelings of so many of us. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Delanie!
DeleteIgnore the should :)
ReplyDeleteBailey, this is INCREDIBLE. I am so inspired by reading this. You have such a strong testimony and I am so grateful you shared this. I think it highlights an important issue with our culture that we can all work to change. It always makes me sad when people ask someone if they are "going on a mission or getting married?" there are more options in life! Anyways, I just agree with this and I think you're wonderful. (this comment didn't make any sense but I'm going to post it anyways...) :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Cassie! You are so wonderful & the comment made perfect sense! Thanks again :)
DeleteWow Bailey, I love love love this. This is something that has also been on my mind a lot and it seems I've had a similar experience. Than you so much for posting this! As one of the many girls who have felt the pressures to go, I really appreciated this. You have such a strong testimony and I'm grateful I was able to read this!
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy how many girls have been feeling this way and yet I think we all [[or at least I know I]] thought I was the only one. You're awesome Alex, thank you!
DeleteDude you told a story about me?! I was excited when I read that. :)
ReplyDeleteYES! I'm so glad you saw it. I didn't know if you would read it or not, but I'm glad you did. :)
DeleteThank you. :) It's good to know I'm not the only one who's been feeling this way. Hopefully this will help raise awareness. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's eye-opening to see how many people feel the same way, I'm surprised by all of the feedback I have received expressing exactly that.
DeleteA friend sent me a link to your blog and I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the thoughts you have expressed. I have a daughter who is currently serving and another daughter who received inspiration that she should not go. As a mother it has been interesting to see different people react. Thank you for your sharing your experience.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. :)
Deletelove it bailey :) thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThanks Nicole!
DeleteFunny how people know what is best for us in so many areas of life. It doesn't stop at missions. You'll be asked about getting married. You'll be asked when you'll have a baby. You'll be asked how many kids you have and if you are planning on more. You'll be asked about vaccines, homeschooling, potty training, clothing your children wear, when girls should start wearing make-up, if you let your kids drink soda..... I love it! I love asking those ridiculously awkward questions on purpose to drive home the point that no one should be that invasive!! I ask "So you only have 1 baby. Why aren't you having more?" Then I look them straight in the eyes and ask "How many times have you been asked that? " We then have a wonderful conversation about journeys in life and how wise Father is---end of OUR make - believe judgment. Same with young men who return home from missions early (or women). I ask that same type of question to bring up the pink elephant in the room, then we have tender moments of sharing because they understand I understand how much judgment they get. ..but they are safe with me. I don't do it all of the time and I only do it when I sense some pain that needs to be addressed, but it has been a blessing to be someone that people can open up to without being judged. That's how I hope Heavenly Father can use the gift He gave me. I have a daughter & son on missions right now. They made that choice KNOWING I supported them AND really pushed them to do this for themselves and not their mom or anyone else. I also told them if things get too rough, I get it. Coming home is an option that is okay. Again, it is between them and the Lord. I'm there to support their inspiration. Good for those women who have gone. Good for those women who were supposed to stay home (I couldn't have had 8 children had I served a mission and having a family was my mission! ). Only God knows.
DeleteWow! Thank you, you said it so well and I couldn't agree more. I think people often go to these topics because it's an easy conversation starter, at least that's how I feel in my situation, but it is important to be aware that everyone can be blessed with their own personal revelation and we should never question that.
DeleteDear Bailey,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to thank you so much for this blog post! You put my feelings so poignantly into words and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one out there who has suffered this problem. The culture in Utah is awful around this subject, and it's so tough to see how it's been hurting girls my age. I turned 19 in January, and I spent a whole month before dreading my birthday. I was so scared to go because of the women in relief society and how they would look at me and judge me. I believed that everyone would think I wasn't worthy to go out that I was too lazy to go. Recently, one of my friends decided not to go, and she's still hurting over it. She almost got pressured into, and she's still depressed about how others judge her. I'm grateful that you wrote this! I'm going to share it with her! Thanks!
You are definitely not alone in feeling this way! I hope your friend finds some comfort in her decision.
DeleteJust a thought to consider. .. We all are an open book. We can feel the mood shift when someone enters a room. That is how we are made--our natural form of communication is FEELING. When someone questions your decision to not go on a mission, maybe they are simply voicing what you are feeling inside. That could be a great gift and teacher for you. I like the saying "take your feelings out to lunch and get to know them. " They are there, so you might as well really own and understand them rather than pretending they don't exist! Ask why they are there. Find out why they scare you or embarrass you for having them. Ask why you let people make you feel bad and if you are more concerned about what people think of you than of what you think of yourself. Maybe this whole age change for girls going on missions is a way to open them up to become centered in themselves and release the fake stories being thrown at them constantly. Mothers need to be centered and not victims to the opinions of others. Mothers need to be a strong example of loving those who may judge but to not let it define them (like those mocking from the large and spacious building). Mothers need to give children the knowledge that they only need to worry about what their Heavenly Father wants for them and to trust it without going into the "poor picked on" mode of what everyone else thinks or says about them. Let people judge!! (As if any of us could stop people from judging anyways!!) Until you stop judging yourself, others will keep bringing it up until you have finally healed the incorrect belief in your heart. We do such a great job being mirrors for each other! Take a good hard look at what people are saying and embrace those comments as you would a message from Father. Then ponder and learn why those comments are coming and if you really feel that way about yourself on some level. Father will show you how to heal those tendencies to believe what others think about you. He will teach you that only you can stop being a victim to all those "mean Utah Valley people who ask why you aren't going on a mission!" Sounds a little funny when it is written that way. Just own your confusion. Be okay with it. Look for ways to settle your heart and let Christ teach you how He didn't take things personally. We owe a great deal to each other for being such wonderful teachers for each other by making stupid comments to each other all of the time!! This is a powerful way to prepare young women to be strong secure wives, mothers, or single sisters. It is our perfect path.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, however I am not the slightest bit unsure of whether or not I should be on a mission. If I was supposed to go, you better believe I would do it, but I am not. I see what you're saying, but just because we have a thought, a doubt, or something bothering us I personally don't believe it's something God is trying to teach us and people questioning us doesn't necessarily mean they already know what we're feeling. I do care about what others think of me, but not for one second would I let the judgement of others force me into choosing something I know isn't what I should be doing. I just wanted to raise some awareness and share what my experience has been with the pressures of my community.
DeleteExactly what I think! I got a confirmation to not go on a mission and people try to always get me to think I should. I know that the Lord has told me I have a different "mission" to fulfill, so I'm happy with that decision. Thanks for raising awareness on this topic :)
ReplyDeletethanks!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI find your comments informative and helpful. As an older adult, I’ve been in that awkward conversation that dies because the dreaded question about a mission comes out, and the young lady or guy doesn’t want to discuss. Awkward! As you point out, this occurs more often with people you don’t associate with much, if ever. So, what to do? As for me, I may be trying to just have a conversation with you. To acknowledge you exist. So, I have a few standard questions I like to ask. Are you in school, what’s your major, if you are not in school, are you working? All safe questions, all safe answers. Then sometimes the question comes up about a mission, and either the person either gets excited, or the conversation ends. What would really be nice, is for a young person to have a couple responses they can use, just like the safe questions. How about, ‘I’ve seriously considered a mission, and now is not the time for me.’ ‘It’s something I’ve thought about’. How about, ‘I’m working on it.’. Or ‘It’s interesting that the Prophet of the Lord changed the missionary age.’ You could come up with about 10 answers similar to this. You really don’t need to explain to me that you have prayed about it, and the Lord has told you you are not to go. That’s your personal experience. So, just like the person who doesn’t go to college, or the older person who is not married, or the great person who chooses not to join the church, or the couple that can’t have children, each do get asked that ‘awkward’ question, and the ones who have a comfortable answer continue the conversation. Those who don’t, awkwardly end it. Thus, it is a two way street. Wanting to have a conversation with someone involves risk that you or they will ask the awkward question the other person dreads. If either of you is not prepared with your ‘smoothing’ answer, then here comes awkward. But then, you could do what I do more than I should. Don’t have the conversation.
ReplyDeleteI know what you are saying and I understand that it is an easy "go-to-topic" especially for adults who I may or may not talk with very often and I appreciate the efforts made to start up a conversation. I generally do have my prepared answer something along the lines of, "I've definitely considered it but decided not to go" or "I don't feel like it is what I'm supposed to do" although sometimes slightly uncomfortable these conversations don't bother me, it's when the questioning continues and comments are made beyond this questioning further into why I won't go. This is generally when I just say I've prayed about it and decided not to, & when the nagging continues past that I generally excuse myself from the conversation in some way or another. So I do understand and agree with what you are saying, it's just that these prepared answers don't always do the job.
DeleteThank you so much for this! While I have felt the desire to go, and I leave in a couple of days, it is a decision I struggled with after the age change. I didn't want to get caught up in the fever of the age change and go just because all of a sudden I could. Luckily I had an observant bishop who could tell this was a decision I was struggling with and he counseled me to take my time. Now I am going not much before I turn 21 so the age change didn't affect me that much! Thank you so much for your perspective, I think it is important that we all take our own paths and not judge others for their feelings and the revelation they have received from the spirit to direct there own lives! Thank you for writing this, I think it is important for people to read!
ReplyDeleteThank you! & if you see this comment before you leave, good luck on your mission!! :)
DeleteYou are just the greatest! Unfortunately, those pressures are not just in Utah, but your beautiful blog post has uplifted people all over the world so thank you thank you thank you! :)
ReplyDeletep.s. When boys say they only want to marry an RM girl, I say I only want to marry a man who understands and sustains the counsel and commandments of the Lord and His prophets. :D
thanks!
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