tonight the sky is flooding

Sometimes all a person needs is some real, quality time with another lovely person.
It makes all the difference in the world.

I am so thankful for friends
I am so thankful for family
I am so thankful for friends who are basically family
I am so thankful for a hardworking and loving father
an absolutely incredible mother
and the funnest siblings this world has to offer.

Tonight I am all moved in to my college apartment,
the sky is pouring rain, 
so I turned out the lights, opened the blinds (they span from ceiling to floor in my living room) and watched the rain with the back drop of Y mountain. 
You could say I'm pretty lucky(:

I am just so grateful for Heavenly Father's guiding hand visible through all the stress and emotion of the changes my life is experiencing right now. He knows exactly who I am and what I need, His tender mercies are everywhere. 

A sweet letter from a friend, a thoughtful act by a stranger, a quick email, a smile, something just simply "working out right," His tender mercies are endless. 

Take a moment to notice and acknowledge the little things Heavenly Father does for you in your life, I dare you.

is there a "right" way to feel?

Tonight I drove home, rain splattering the windshield and tears spilling down my cheeks, after a day filled with too many goodbyes. Of course, one goodbye is too many. But today was my last day of work, and saying goodbye to those girls (though I do expect to see them again) and then another one of my exceptional friends off to serve the Lord, I thought, I can not do this ONE more time. Goodbyes are difficult, exhausting, and heartbreaking.

and yet there are so many more emotions that coincide with every minute of everyday, and as a result if I were to mix together the emotions of my evening and pour them out I can assure you, they would flood a swimming pool.

Excited, unsatisfied, overwhelmed, frustrated, confused, lonely, disappointed, nostalgic..  

Missing my friends
Excited for missionaries
Unsatisfied with letters
Nauseous with the stress of moving
Overwhelmed by the idea of college
Frustrated because I don't feel like I'm feeling the way I should 

how exactly am I supposed to feel? 

The tears, although derived partly from the sadness I felt from the goodbyes, were very much tears of frustration, confusion, and pure exhaustion. 

Every time I feel an emotion my brain frantically tries to find the cause, then it calculates the cause adds my knowledge of life and tells me how I should be feeling.

Happy that friends are leaving on missions.
Happy when I receive a letter.
Happy that I have friends at all.
Happy that I am alive.
Happy that life is how it is.

I should be grateful, and trust me, I am. 

But it's occurring to me that there are a heck of a lot more emotions that go into each moment in our lives, and they are not wrong. 

Feeling sad when a friend leaves is sad. No matter what they're doing. 

Receiving a letter in exciting, but it can still be unsatisfying, regardless of who it's from. 

Moving out and going to college is a great adventure, but it can be overwhelming. 

There is no "correct feeling" for every situation. 
But the question never does seem to truly leave me, 

How am I supposed to feel?

goodbyes: seeing through the blurred vision.

6 months ago from today I said goodbye to my best friend and watched as he walked down the steps from my porch to his car and drove off for the last time for at least the next two years, taking part of my heart with him as he left for england.

2 months ago I walked out of my high school knowing many of the wonderful people I’ve met and friendships I made would end right there, regardless of how much I wanted it to be otherwise.

3 weeks ago I went into the airport with my best friend since seventh grade, her parents, and little sister as she boarded her flight to San Diego and eventually Hawaii. I left with only her parents and sister along with a few extra tears, streaks of mascara on my face, and a prayer that I will be able to fly to Hawaii sometime so I won’t have to wait an entire year to see her again.

Every week at least a couple of my friends leave for somewhere around the world. Whether for school or more often an LDS mission, I know I won’t see them for quite a while.

At first it made me bitter, very bitter in fact. I was angry, why would my Heavenly Father give me such incredible relationships if He was only going to take them away!? That didn’t seem very fair.

Everyone told me, “This is what happens. You make new friends, you’ll be fine.”

Although I know I will make new friends and I do want to make new friends, it still is incredibly difficult and I’m still in that downtime between the ‘goodbyes’ and ‘hellos’.

Then it hit me. These extraordinary people I love weren’t mine to keep. They never were really mine. The memories, the friendships, yes those are mine. But the people are Heavenly Father’s and He needs them to do other things and help other people.

He blessed me with them for as long as He could, but now He needs them back. Some will forever be separated from me, and some only for a short time. (A short time in the long scheme of things that is).

 With that perspective having them in my life as we grew together and helped each other was truly a gigantic blessing. I truly believe I was blessed with some of the best people this world has to offer in my life, because they were simply the people I needed, and --each in their own way-- they needed me.

So next time you have a hard time seeing why something is the way it is, think about how your vision may be blurred. Maybe from resentment, anger even, or maybe just the tears in your eyes as you watch someone you love, leave you.

God has a plan for each of us, a flawless plan, completely unrivaled by that of the world. Trust Him. No matter how hard it is. It is worth it.

And while you're at it, appreciate the people who are in your life. show them you love them, tell them even. I have become increasingly aware of the many people in my life who are still here and spectacular as ever. i am so blessed, and so are you.

Jessica may, best friends since 7^th grade, Oregon coast.

  

Graduation with these LOVELY friends

 Hiking timp. --In the middle of a cloud-- with this amazing kid!

 Indian wells tennis tournament with this girl who I love to pieces, seriously.

 My best friend  (currently in England). this is about as candid as it gets people. (;

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