Why I am Not Going on a Mission.

[[This is a post I have had in mind for quite some time, but I haven't ever been quite sure how to write it. So before I get too into it I must add a little disclaimer: this is just my opinion, based off of my own life experience, and my own inspiration.]]


Since the infamous "mission age change" the number of missionaries serving full time missions has increased quite a bit, but even more drastic is the number of sister missionaries serving. While it was once at least semi-unique for a girl to serve a mission it has become almost this expectation. & even though it has clearly been stated by our Prophet and apostles that this is not a requirement for girls, the culture of Utah county would sure beg to differ.

Last April I seriously considered whether or not I should go on a mission, and after a lot of prayer and pondering I knew without a doubt I was not supposed to go. Honestly, the answer came with mixed emotions, but peace was definitely among them.

I am so thankful not only for that confirmation but for the timing of it, because once I started college the pressure escalated. Just about every conversation revolved around this idea of "going on a mission" & the reactions I (and other girls) received when telling people I was not planning on going on a mission were sometimes so incredibly thoughtless. One of my friends told me a woman remarked, "well you're planning on going eventually, right? Because boys want girls now who have been on a mission." Personally I don't think any of us are entitled to have higher standards for one another than God has, and if you're future wife has served a mission that is wonderful! But it doesn't make her worth any less if she didn't serve one.

A few weeks ago I went on a date with an old friend who is now home from his mission and while catching up the question of a mission was brought up. I'm not going to lie, I immediately prepared my defensive side assuming as a return missionary he would somehow try to promote this decision. However, when I told him I wasn't going he gave me a fist bump!! I was so shocked. He said that if a mission isn't for me than that's all there is to it and there isn't a thing wrong with that! I can't tell you how much a relief that was to not repeat my long well-rehearsed explanation once more.

I want everyone to understand that I truly believe missions are incredible and that if you are supposed to go on a mission, then you do it! Don't let anything stop you. I love and admire everyone of my friends currently on, home from, or soon to leave on a mission. The amount of letters I've written in the last few years is unreal because I am sincerely trying to support the missionaries serving. But I just think girls need to hear that they are not required to go on a mission & not only that, but they don't have to get married or have some huge reason to not go.

Guys. There have been so many breakdowns, so many weak moments, so many frustrations where I just think, why am I not supposed to go? Surely I could handle it, surely it would be an amazing (difficult but still amazing) journey that would change my life. So why not?
& here is where things get a little complicated, I don't know why I'm not supposed to serve a mission. Maybe I am supposed to get married soon, maybe there is an opportunity coming my way, or maybe it's because of opportunities that already have come. I don't know! But if God told me that I'm not supposed to, then I'm not supposed to.

This is a very difficult topic for me because even still I have a lot of bitter and confused feelings about the whole thing. I want so badly to go through the temple and to serve God, but I'm oh so so slowly making peace with all of it. What bothers me the most is that God isn't nagging me to go, my family isn't nagging me, not even my closest friends are, it is just the people who don't really know me, the anonymous pressure built off of people not realizing the implications of their comments and actions.

I don't think anyone purposefully is trying to make girls who don't go on missions feel the amounts of pressure, guilt, and frustration so many are feeling, I just think people don't stop to consider before making remarks. It's hard because it's something that without some kind of close connection isn't easy to comprehend, but I just wanted to write this post because we all need to be a little bit more careful about what we say to others. I know I'm only 19, and I have so much growing and learning to do. We all do. I realize I don't have answers, & I am mainly going off just my personal experience and that of my friends, but I had to say something.

For all of those girls and boys heading out on missions, or trying to make the decision, missions are wonderful. The gospel is true. God listens to us, he understands us, and we are made perfect by coming unto Him. As my friend Maren pointed out to me last night, we don't have to become perfect and then come unto Christ we become perfect by doing so.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone, and here is a quote one of my Facebook friends shared from a book titled Return by Elder Robert D. Hales:

"Many young women struggle with the very personal decision of whether to serve a mission. Each young woman's situation is unique, which is why no one can prescribe a simple answer that fits all of the young women who would like to serve. Unlike young men, young women do not have a priesthood responsibility to serve full-time missions. No young woman should ever feel pressured into full-time missionary service or guilty because she has not served. For young women, missions are an option to consider, not an obligation to fulfill. Moreover, a full-time mission is not a prerequisite for sisters to live faithful, dedicated, consecrated lives. Nor should any young woman ever feel that she needs to serve a mission to somehow make up for past mistakes in life... and a young woman who is seriously dating a worthy young man should pray long and hard and receive clear inspiration before deciding to serve a mission.
Having said that.. Those sisters who served in my mission brought a great maturity and love to the work that was a blessing to all they taught.
'And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!' (D&C 18:15)"



[[special thanks to Maren & Aubrey for spontaneously dropping by my house last night and having this chat with me so I finally was able to finish this post I've been working on for weeks]]

contentment & bagels

Lately I have been spending a lot of time outside, and by that I mostly mean my backyard.
Today I sat outside while I worked on my computer, wrote letters, and ate a bagel.

Which brings me to my next point, I am kind of crazy about these gluten free bagels. My coworker gave them to me a year ago, I ate a ton of them fall semester and then suddenly they were discontinued at all the whole food stores I know of as well as online...then a couple of weeks ago strolling the aisles of Walmart I found them!! [[kinda sketchy I will admit]] Gluten free, frozen section, Glutino new york style bagels = to die for. Seriously I would recommend them to all gluten free people. Non-gluten free people...you're bagels are still probably better...probably. But for those of us without that option, these bagels are divine. I would eat them for breakfast lunch & dinner if I could but I try to limit myself to 1 a day.

Today however ended up being a 2 bagel kind of day, and as I sat by my dog, Sophie, on the back porch watching the sunset and eating my bagel I felt very content about life. I also think Sophie might have a thing my bagels, but no way am I sharing those with her. My suspicions were confirmed however when I dumped the remaining crumbs over the deck and Sophie after them.

I know...bagels aren't that interesting to pretty much everyone who isn't me, & some of you might be wondering why you just read a blog post about bagels, but I didn't have a whole lot to write about and I just wanted to express the way I've been feeling lately.

I'm just really enjoying this feeling of contentment. That's not to say I don't have anything to stress about but depending on the time of year and the point I'm in at school I can be a little high-stress &
crazy, but having some time to sit outside, unwind, and keep myself company has been good.  I never thought I would post about sitting on my back deck eating a bagel (I said it again!) while my dog eyed it scooting closer and closer to my plate, but hey! there is truly a first time for everything.

So here's to bagels, fresh air, lots of new freckles, and contentment.

I'm already getting good vibes from this summer & I kind of hope it lasts a very long time.


& Because who likes a blog post without a picture?
[you're so welcome for not posting a picture of a bagel.. ;) ]

sunday thoughts

first things first,
happy sunday

It has been a while since I've posted and I have had so many ideas spinning around my head but until today nothing seemed to really come together, & I figure if people are going to spend time reading this I should try to make it worth their time

I like to write a lot about my life, my experiences, and things I love so today here is just a little glimpse into my current thoughts

I saw this quote a few days ago:

 & I really kind of liked it because well, it's so true and so applicable to my life right this second.

Freshman year is now over and I'm back at my house in my own room. In fact I have the entire basement to myself and for some reason that is suddenly so lonely. I miss my roommate. I miss having someone to hang out with literally 24/7. I'm not exaggerating, we had classes together, we hung out almost every single night and every weekend. [did I mention I miss my roommate?] however she is still in Provo for the next handful of weeks so I sense an unreasonable gas bill coming up and I honestly don't even mind.

As for the "refocus on where you are headed" part of things, I've realized some things about life.

1. Heavenly Father is there for you but you do need to do your part. For a while I two as feeling so frustrated like I wasn't receiving answers or direction and I made a huge realization today, I am really not putting forth the effort I need to be to receive answers I need. I am not studying them out and putting scripture study, prayers, and service first in my daily routines...frequently it's been more of a "shoot I'm going to bed let me read a little bit before I fall asleep" [come on we've all been there] & that isn't how it should be.

& 2. Don't worry about what other people are telling you.

That is has been a HUGE deal for me especially lately with missions, school, and just life plans in general. I might post more on that later, but for now I think this post is long enough.


happy sunday everyone (: