Thursday, March 5, 2015

Thursday Night (Musings).

Is it bad to put musings in the title of a blog post? Probably. Who is going to read that.
But here goes the diving in portion:

I am just so completely and utterly me. (cliche line of the century, but oh well)
& maybe instead of living small, because of anxiety and fears, I just have to live big because, you know what? It doesn't matter. They don't go away they just adapt to whatever the life situation is that I am in. They are incredible that way. They as in my anxieties and fears.

& who cares if people think I'm strange or quirky (I think I'm kind of strange & quirky..)
& who cares if I like to hike in the mountains & wear comfy clothes, but dress up on occasion. & maybe I only like to wear plain mascara, brush my hair, & forget the rest (or maybe not brush my hair but it depends on the day and I've already explained my messy hair philosophy.)

& who cares if I like to sing cheesy love songs, & laugh too loud, too hard, too often. Maybe I have a loud opinion sometimes & am quiet & reflective other times. Who makes those rules anyway?

I am quirky. I am me. I want to meet the entire world somedays & somedays getting out of my small circle of friends is So Difficult.

I am so drawn to beautiful things & chances to just GO.

The sun is my best friend & winter is hard. I've always wondered what "wearing your heart on your sleeve" means but I think I do that. & somedays I am totally and completely lost in life.

I am concerned about what people think about me and about pleasing others. It's controlling sometimes. But other times I'm more concerned about what I think of myself, because that is fairly important as well.

Writing is therapeutic & comes in waves. Words seem to slip into my mind and out as fast as they came. I want to tell everyone my life story and hear everyones' but somedays I don't think I have much of anything significant to share. I wrote all these words on a scrap of paper in my car because I couldn't stop the words from slipping out and I didn't want to forget them because they seemed somewhat significant to me. Then a song came on completely reminding me of other things and the thoughts ended.

But tomorrow I'm going to Las Vegas for the WCC Tournament (GO BYU) and today and everyday I'm just making small little steps towards accepting myself more, because God knows my heart, I am learning my heart, and as long as my family supports me...I don't see why it really matters.